ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
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When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this