ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
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If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
yeah not falling for this one
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
The news in a nutshell.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes