me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
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The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.