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absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.