I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Me, an Astronaut: *home from mission*
Her: And so you’re back
Me: Do we have to do the Gloria Gaynor thing everytime?
Her: From outer space
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Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
I wonder if caterpillars know they’re gonna fly some day or they just start building a cocoon and are like ‘why am I doing this’.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Me: Take this
My Uber passenger: *holds gun in blood soaked car* WTF JUS HAPPENED?
Me: You tell me “Mr Finger prints on a murder weapon”