@brynnester

Me, an Astronaut: *home from mission*
Her: And so you’re back
Me: Do we have to do the Gloria Gaynor thing everytime?
Her: From outer space

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@jellybnbonanza

I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.

@AnOrangeSNES

Yes Pony Express?

I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?

@sixthformpoet

I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.

@daddydoubts

Me: ready to visit grandma?

Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?

Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.

@JennyPentland

I wonder if caterpillars know they’re gonna fly some day or they just start building a cocoon and are like ‘why am I doing this’.

@UncleDuke1969

“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”

@quikkim

Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?

@BoogTweets

Me: Take this

My Uber passenger: *holds gun in blood soaked car* WTF JUS HAPPENED?

Me: You tell me “Mr Finger prints on a murder weapon”