She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
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[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
the prophecies have been fulfilled
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.