Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
me: dropbear gobstoppers
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
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How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Today is National Girlfriend’s Day. But it will never be National Marriage Day. The calendar’s just not ready for that kind of commitment.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, too
Me: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
[being held hostage]
ME: [dejected] I thought there’d be more actual holding involved.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*