Broom by every window for quick escape.
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I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Comparing yourself to others
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
*limbos away from your hug*
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*