My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
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RT if you could go either way.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.