A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
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Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils