@ThisOneSayz

Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!

He: I asked about the perfect date.

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@sixfootcandy

Husband: Should we hit the gym today?

Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?

@BatBatshitcrazy

I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.

@TheGoodGodAbove

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

@TheAlexNevil

*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist

@StaceyLynne_44

Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.

Me on a diet: being fat is fine.

@InternetHippo

putting “lying on resumes” under the skills section of my resume to see if anyone reads this shit

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re an amphibian.

Frog: what does that mean?

God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.

Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?

God: no that’s not what I-

Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.

@Dschnoeb

I think the only girl I know that hasn’t said “you’re like a brother to me” is my sister.

@theyearofelan

Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven because they wouldn’t let you in because you’re terrible?