Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
You Might Also Like
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Worth a try
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Unexpected Judgment
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
oh shit
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂