Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
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A couple who are silly together stay together.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
Roses are red, you always mattered,
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.