Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
[Me and a friend have movie night, order pizza and do some acid]
Me: “Hell yeah”
Friend: “Hell yeah”
Pizza: “Oh hell yeah”
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Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
superman: wait is this wrong
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
Kids now are so spoiled. When I was young we were locked out of the house all day if school was canceled because of snow, we went blind in one eye, lost 2-4 toes to frostbite, ate one of the weaker kids who got hurt sledding, then had a leg amputated, and we WERE FINE.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
I hate when I mix my metaphors and all hell breaks wind.