Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
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Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
i will not be silenced
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
I hope this email finds you in a well
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me: