My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
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likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Finally
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.