@sweet_toof

Me: ..and a small sprite.
McDonald’s Girl: Want a large? All sizes are only $.99
Me: I ASKED FOR SMALL YOU DIABETES PEDDLER ok gimme a large

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@NickAmadeus

Every Ryan Gosling movie is about what would happen if a really weird guy was also incredibly attractive.

@ItsAndyRyan

Noah in a pet shop
“Two of every animal please”
“Want any unusual examples?”
“No, just arky-types”

@david8hughes

[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this

@HepatitisAtoZ

[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]

Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”

me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”

@OllyiConic

me: are there really aliens at area 51

pentagon official: that’s confidential

me: then how’d i hear about it

@KamanCider

Friends are like snowflakes.

If you pee on them they disappear.

@stephenjmolloy

Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”

@ohpegah

*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog

@Heissarcastic

Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi