@jackiembouvier

[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.

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@CanadianCyn

Today is my 18th wedding anniversary.

If my husband doesn’t give me a divorce as a gift I’m telling his girlfriend.

@KenJennings

DINNERTIME FOOD IDEAS FROM MY SON
“Can we put Nutella on our salmon and call it salmonella?”
This has been DINNERTIME FOOD IDEAS FROM MY SON

@WilliamAder

Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

@tchrquotes

Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.

@copymama

My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.

Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.

@AbleLikes

I just canceled a date because I wanted to make chocolate chunk cookies tonight instead. Yeah I’m gonna die alone. But with cookies!

@Chumpstring

ME: I lied in my interview.

BOSS: what was the lie?

ME: all lies. except about my aunt.

BOSS: she wants to party with me?

ME: big time.

@Gupton68

Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.

@jwoodham

Instead of pulling people over for texting, the police should be out there pulling people over for not texting me back.