@favamp
If I were a dinosaur, I’d be a swagasaurus.
@jackiembouvier
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
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@favamp
@KeetPotato
gang leader: “this isnt what i meant when i said go rob the store”
me: [putting 19 cartons of milk in fridge] “you should be more specific”
@hayley_hud
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
@Jamberee13
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
@JohnLyonTweets
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
@david8hughes
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
@KeetPotato
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
@badbanana
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
@CatsVsHumanity
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
@panmidwest
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”