Today is my 18th wedding anniversary.
If my husband doesn’t give me a divorce as a gift I’m telling his girlfriend.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
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DINNERTIME FOOD IDEAS FROM MY SON
“Can we put Nutella on our salmon and call it salmonella?”
This has been DINNERTIME FOOD IDEAS FROM MY SON
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
I just canceled a date because I wanted to make chocolate chunk cookies tonight instead. Yeah I’m gonna die alone. But with cookies!
“I’d hit that!” — me gazing at rock bottom
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Instead of pulling people over for texting, the police should be out there pulling people over for not texting me back.