[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
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An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Guantanamo Bae
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
me hooking up with my ex
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better