Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
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I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry