5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
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BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Bikini season is just around the corner.
Unfortunately, so is the Mexican restaurant.
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
the government should give us each $8,000 not because that’s how much a batman pinball machine costs it’s for a different reason
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
*termites on date*
Waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
Termite: table for two.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.