7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
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New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.