@EndhooS

Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]

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@emmabetsinger

There’s plenty of fish in the sea but you know what else there is? Trash. There is a lot of trash in the sea.

@Jennifergr8

God I hate kids.

And people.

And animals.

And sardines.

And stuff that’s alive.

And stuff that’s dead.

I hate stuff.

I like cheese.

@ihateitmunky

My boss asked me to stop using metaphors when i speak to clients but that’s like asking a samurai not to use his sword

@chuuew

ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]

IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE

@SteveSuckington

[blind date]

HER: lmao! You seriously wore pajamas on a first date?

ME: hey!! You’re not blind!!

@Vice_Queen

Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.

@mattZillaaaa

Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one

@VapingSonic

[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again

@ElgatoEsmio

Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.