There’s plenty of fish in the sea but you know what else there is? Trash. There is a lot of trash in the sea.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
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A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
God I hate kids.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
My boss asked me to stop using metaphors when i speak to clients but that’s like asking a samurai not to use his sword
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
HER: lmao! You seriously wore pajamas on a first date?
ME: hey!! You’re not blind!!
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.