Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
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“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Breaking news:
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.