Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours

Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house

Me: There was a murderer in my house?

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[visiting southern France]

Me: This is Nice

Wife: It’s pronounced Nice

Me: I said Nice

Wife: No, you said Nice

Me: Nice

Wife: Nice

*69 minutes later*

Me: Niiiiiiice


Movie Theater: *lights go down*

Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*


Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.


All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?


Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.


[couples therapy]

Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…

Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…


Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent


When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.


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Octopus after owning some1 in a rap battle