[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
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Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Octopus after owning some1 in a rap battle