Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
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*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.