Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
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My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
#growingpains
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me