me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
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SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus