Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
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We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Nose
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.