When a waitress asks me if I want soup or salad, I always ask “who’s in charge of tossing the salads here?” Then I frown & order the soup.
Me and my gf always laugh at how competitive we are but I laugh more.
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Hmm, not sure about this change
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Tell me I’m beautiful
Tell me I’m a genius
“You’re a genius”
“Just give me the toilet paper, please”
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
WHY THE HELL NOT
How is tinder still free?
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top