Me and my gf always laugh at how competitive we are but I laugh more.

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When a waitress asks me if I want soup or salad, I always ask “who’s in charge of tossing the salads here?” Then I frown & order the soup.


Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.

Me: Sweet.


Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us

ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time

Cowboy: ok cool


Tell me I’m beautiful

“You’re beautiful”

Tell me I’m a genius

“You’re a genius”

Tell m-

“Just give me the toilet paper, please”


How’s school, Hannah?

“Really tough, dad.”

They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?




Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.

But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.


I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top