@jake_lach

Me and my lover, sitting in a tree A-R-G-U-I-N-G

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@QuiteQuietOne

The embarrassment when you wake up to find your panties hanging from a chandelier and think, how did I end up in a place with a chandelier?

@my_hive_away

I may wait a little while to get vaccinated just so I can keep using Covid as an excuse not to gather indoors.

@DanaSchwartzzz

Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister

@Tommytoughstuff

Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?

@LoveNLunchmeat

[watching basketball]

I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.

And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.

@harryreefeco

Our foul, evil octopus has just learnt to suck loads of water directly from the end of the tank pump, so it can spray me with even more water than usual if I (the person she hates the most) step within a foot of her tank. I’m absolutely soaked

@sixfootcandy

I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”

@HenpeckedHal

My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.

@JB4Realz

SON: Daddy, where do tweets come from?

DAD: Well, son…when a Desire for Validation and a Character Limit love each other very, very much.