@jake_lach

Me and my lover, sitting in a tree A-R-G-U-I-N-G

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@shitshowdotinfo

age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]

@OuterJohn

I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

[interviewing Matt Damon]

Matt: Well, in this movie I play-

Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.

@PaperWash

Tell us a scary story!

Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil

*puts wedding tape in VCR

@Home_Halfway

DATE: So what do you like to do?
ME: Enter hot dog breeding contests
DATE: You mean “eating?”
ME: *thrusting hot dogs together carefully* No

@shawnspree

Smile and the world smiles with you. Laugh and the world wants you to stop looking at your phone and drive.

@peteholmes

“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods

@dog_feelings

the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help

@HlessHman

[inventor of the mirror]

“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”