@jake_lach: Me and my lover, sitting in a tree A-R-G-U-I-N-G
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@AndyRichter: Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. "Good Lord!" he says. "His burrito levels are off the charts!" - from my autopsy
@LoveMeNowDad: A microwave with three only buttons. 1. Hot Pocket 2. Pizza Rolls 3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
@heatherlou_: I tell my child, "10 minutes till bed!" She hears me say, "Go put on a Halloween costume." Why?
@dumbbeezie: Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn't breathe Cop: Why didn't you help him Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap Cop: Totally understand