At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
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My wife gives the best headache.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie