@dave_cactus

ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
? O
? ? ? O
?? ?? o
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@AmberDonn

The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.

@MarfSalvador

[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?

@nojeshua

I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.

@Carmel_Coleman

You’re more likely to find something when you’re not looking for it. Right now, I’m not looking for a bunch of cash. I hope this shit works.

@sonictyrant

[Breaking and Entering]

GANG MEMBER: Jimmy the door open

ME: No it isn’t, and don’t call me Jimmy

@whiskeyinadram

Her: Choke me!

Me, sexual deviant: Hands her a couple of buttermilk biscuits.

@TuSoonShakur

“The floor is larva.”

– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom

@Pumpkinbabypie

No, of course I’m not mad.

It’s fine.

*goes home, starts building a Death Star.

@Rollmaninoz

Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on

@CarolinaSong

Not tryin to impress anyone BUT the priest did just say I had the “body of Christ” right before he fed me a cracker. Gym has been paying off