The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
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[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
You’re more likely to find something when you’re not looking for it. Right now, I’m not looking for a bunch of cash. I hope this shit works.
[Breaking and Entering]
GANG MEMBER: Jimmy the door open
ME: No it isn’t, and don’t call me Jimmy
Her: Choke me!
Me, sexual deviant: Hands her a couple of buttermilk biscuits.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
No, of course I’m not mad.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Not tryin to impress anyone BUT the priest did just say I had the “body of Christ” right before he fed me a cracker. Gym has been paying off