Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
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A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?