ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
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Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
I have two kinds of followers
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Big Sex has us all fooled
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.