[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
You Might Also Like
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.