[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”

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Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?


*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now


Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.


Oh, some guy screwed you over? Would you like to explain how the whole male population is responsible for this?


Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.

Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!


My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.


The best part about having a homeless girlfriend is after our date I can drop her off wherever I want


naming a dragon drogon is the most lazy thing I’ve ever heard lmao pls meet my dog, deg


Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*




Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?


Drugs don’t kill people. People that don’t have drugs kill people.