Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
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Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
your honor my client chooses dare
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.