@JermHimselfish

Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad

Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back

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@NicestHippo

BEAR JUDGE: Counsel, this is your last warning, you cannot–

LAWYER: *plays dead*

BEAR JUDGE: Where did he go

@TheBoydP

Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.

@What_Idiot_

What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”

@myonlymizztake

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because they’ll never find the body.

@kbnoswag

Me: I want ice cr-

Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy

@ch000ch

it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.

@iAmDelFreaky

Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.

I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.

I have diarrhea.