My mom handed me her phone to find me on Twitter… So I deleted her account, uninstalled the app, and told her it went out of business.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
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[my dad and my 3 yr old daughter]
Him: Hey sweetie how’ve you been?
Her: I have a boyfriend
*my daughter and I high five*
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
[Enters baby room late at night]
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY