Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad

Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back

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BEAR JUDGE: Counsel, this is your last warning, you cannot–

LAWYER: *plays dead*

BEAR JUDGE: Where did he go


Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.


What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”


Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because they’ll never find the body.


Me: I want ice cr-

Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy


it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.


Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.

I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.

I have diarrhea.