@JermHimselfish

Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad

Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back

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@sublyfe2015

My mom handed me her phone to find me on Twitter… So I deleted her account, uninstalled the app, and told her it went out of business.

@SteveSuckington

[my dad and my 3 yr old daughter]

Him: Hey sweetie how’ve you been?

Her: I have a boyfriend

Me: lmao

*my daughter and I high five*

@OhNoSheTwitnt

CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.

@CVTBaby

If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.

@GrantTanaka

lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit

@iwearaonesie

“I need a beer, you want one?”

– me, helping my son with his Legos

@Skoog

me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do

barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!

me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.

@living_marble

Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.

@flashember

[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY