Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
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asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Lucky for them, they’re cute
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Cheers Twitter.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh