Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
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I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”