@ThugRaccoons

Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria

*tourists taking photos*

Me: Any questions? Yes. You there

Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room

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@bourgeoisalien

Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.

@theevilwriter

Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.

@Jake_Vig

Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?

@impaulmccoy

My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.

@novicefather

You’ll catch more flies with honey than you will with vinegar.

Also a rotting corpse will work. Or poop. Lots of ways to attract flies.

@CoatCzech

Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.

@awkwardphilippe

[Pizza falls on the ground]

Hold

HOLD!

-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.

@TheNYAMProject

“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”

– A Novel About Living with Small Children

@ieatanddrink

I didn’t post that copyright notice thing on my Facebook and I’ve already seen SIX of MY photos of me with my casseroles in BMW commercials

@karanbirtinna

Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.