Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?

[first day in the army]

me: hi I like your slacks

him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants

me: ok but I also like your blouse

YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids

[about to be murdered]

ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*

MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.

911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*

HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .

Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was

Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.

My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.

“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15

My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.

*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”

Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.

If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.

Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…

Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge

“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:

Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.

I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!

Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.

what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am

“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”

“Honey, what movie are you watching?”

“Our wedding video.”

All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.

[on phone with quit smoking coach]

coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills

me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1

coach: that’s great! what is it?

me: being awake

My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.

HIM: And a trillion dollars.

GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.

HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.

GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?

HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.

GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.

Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos

I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.

~ Me, flirting

Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.

[Before people were invented]

THE EARTH: This is nice