Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
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3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
they finally got him. they got macavity
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.