ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
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My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Is this you?
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*