ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
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Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
How animals would run if they were human
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums