@Terdoh

Me: And what do you do if I tell you I’m having a heart attack?

Siri: I clear your browser history.

Me: That’s right darling.

You Might Also Like

@Iffy_Penguin

? dots
? dots
? dots
? dots
? dots
? dots
? dots
? dots
? dots
? dots
? dots
? dots
-Pac-Man’s grocery list.

@ramblinma

Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.

@adamgreattweet

I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches

@timdonakowski

Anyone else bite their bottom lip and make a noise when inserting your headphone plug? Me neither.

@malber

I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.

@LoveNLunchmeat

80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.

@kacisuewho

Cinderella: I lost another shoe

Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he