so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
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If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
The Others (2001)
“just sayin” who asked you though?
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
I just love that new Pope smell.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Guilty! 🤪
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Swedish for common sense.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*