Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
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This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Did…did a minotaur write this
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card