Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?

Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?

You Might Also Like


u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm


FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30


No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨


Don’t force funny huh?

Well, I have funny tied to a chair in my basement and…unless we become fast friends…

…he’s losing a knee cap.


ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”


Piracy dates back to the 14th century, when armed criminals boarded ships and viciously watched movies that weren’t out yet


drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”


I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…