ME: *angrily dragging wife thru the mall* Maybe THIS jewelry store will have one.

HER: I don’t think you get what a tornado watch is.

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Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind

Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages


People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop


Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.


‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple


Everybody just wants to get off…

….This elevator because that guy stinks


Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.


I just threw a snowball at a Smart car and its airbags deployed


Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds


To Do List :
1: Buy 4 Pigs
2: Paint numbers 1,2,3 & 5 on their backs
3: Release them in Wal-Mart
4: Sit back watch Security search for #4


My Internet was out for a while so I went downstairs to talk to my mom. She seems nice.