@Sickayduh

ME: *angrily dragging wife thru the mall* Maybe THIS jewelry store will have one.

HER: I don’t think you get what a tornado watch is.

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@inmybox07

Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind

Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages

@dreadnaught69

People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop

@Dawn_M_

Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.

@TheOnion

‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple

@cathisamazing

Everybody just wants to get off…

….This elevator because that guy stinks

@jenlaw_11

Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.

@OldsDad

I just threw a snowball at a Smart car and its airbags deployed

@stevevsninjas

Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds

@iGreenMonk

To Do List :
1: Buy 4 Pigs
2: Paint numbers 1,2,3 & 5 on their backs
3: Release them in Wal-Mart
4: Sit back watch Security search for #4

@elle91

My Internet was out for a while so I went downstairs to talk to my mom. She seems nice.