Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
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Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Order here:
More here:
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Not😆🤣
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.