me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
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My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?