me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
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Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Buying a well is money well spent.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *