I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
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100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
I have never related to a cat more
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good