me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
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YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit