@ThatsSoCorri

me: another

bartender: *slides over pudding cup*

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@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.

@thequeensheart

“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”

@JediGigi

[sees annoying coworker at store]

Him: Hey, what’s new?

Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.

@BethStelling

I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.

@UncleDuke1969

If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.

I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.

@StephenAtHome

Netflix is raising its monthly rates?! Man, whoever’s password I’m using has got to be pissed.

@WakeVII

1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Tell them your name is Waldo
4) Leave

@amishschool

Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL

* hangs up land-line *