All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
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“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Netflix is raising its monthly rates?! Man, whoever’s password I’m using has got to be pissed.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Tell them your name is Waldo
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *