Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.

You Might Also Like


Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic

8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t


Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.


First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute

10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH


What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?

“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?

Whatever it is, I’m that


Benadryl smart as hell. U cant have allergies when u asleep for 7 hours


Had a date with a lady I met on Christian Mingle. It was going fine until I told her I was Jewish & her half of the bill was $40 dollars.


In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…


I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people


My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.