@JustDontBugMe

Me: Another nightmare?
Him: Why?

M: You were yelling “Dora the Explorer help! No Swiper, no!”

H: …
M: Maybe lay off the cartoons, bruh.

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@joejwest

[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]

@CatherineLMK

Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.

@UnFitz

Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.

@jeepwave7

It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution

@neiltyson

Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:14:”bellicosejason”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/2920777729/0790156818043637f77bc218ae309e04_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”322024322468302849″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”44″;s:5:”tweet”;s:58:”In order to catch a bus, one must first think like a bus..”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@Scottcrates

Scene: I’m sitting on an airplane

A guy returning from the bathroom steadies himself by placing his hand on the overhead bin as he walks by my seat and…

A piece of toilet paper falls off his hand and lands on me.

Do I set myself on fire?

@dave_cactus

ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.

@KKAlThani

Whenever you feel depressed, imagine someone tickling Kristen Stewart.

@TheToxicWaster

When Jesus went to heaven technically he was moving back in with his parents..