“You’ve put on weight”:
– Causes sadness
– Sadness leads to overeating
“Your Thiccness Rank™ went up”:
– Seems flattering
– Who doesn’t like some curves
– Wait, like military rank?
– Captain Clapcheeks at your service
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
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[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
A simple smile can brighten someone’s day…
…but a wide-eyed, toothy lunatic smile can keep them up all night.
When news reporters do sports stories
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
I don’t need to watch the debates, I read a bumper sticker the other day that totally convinced me
If you don’t boo at people after bad sex how do you expect them to ever get better?