me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
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I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.