me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”

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“You’ve put on weight”:

– Rude
– Causes sadness
– Sadness leads to overeating

“Your Thiccness Rank™ went up”:

– Seems flattering
– Who doesn’t like some curves
– Wait, like military rank?
– Captain Clapcheeks at your service


[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey


A simple smile can brighten someone’s day…

…but a wide-eyed, toothy lunatic smile can keep them up all night.


4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?

10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled

Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, itโ€™s true


[High School Reunion]

Him: I started my own Law Firm last year

Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story


When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring


There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.


I don’t need to watch the debates, I read a bumper sticker the other day that totally convinced me


If you don’t boo at people after bad sex how do you expect them to ever get better?