Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
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Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.