“Study: Child dies in portable pool every 5 days” SOMEBODY HELP THAT DAMN KID
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
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When I think of you, I touch myself.
With my finger.
In the back of my throat to help me vomit because you make me nauseous.
you either don’t eat cereal for months or you eat 3 bowls in one night there is no in between
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Whoever is making cheese commercials can save their money. We’re buying cheese and and we’re never going to stop buying cheese.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
You see two puppies.
But they’re cannibal puppies!
One puppy eats the other!
Then he takes a nap.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.