@scot7a

ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED

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@rushoffailure

“Study: Child dies in portable pool every 5 days” SOMEBODY HELP THAT DAMN KID

@Just_Lee_

When I think of you, I touch myself.

With my finger.

In the back of my throat to help me vomit because you make me nauseous.

@sluuttyyy

you either don’t eat cereal for months or you eat 3 bowls in one night there is no in between

@WheelTod

For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.

@gavinmind

Whoever is making cheese commercials can save their money. We’re buying cheese and and we’re never going to stop buying cheese.

@Thynebear

Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?

@Reverend_Scott

You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”

@GingerHotDish

I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.