me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
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You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
sigh
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Smile Twitter, Smile.